Evil InLaws
by Ozuchi-Kozuchi
Summary: Timcampy sure knows how to pick 'em. Oneshot.


A/N: And to my most favorite fandom, I return! This piece was written for the DGray-Man101 group's Crack Pairing Contest over on DeviantArt. The pairing you may ask? TimcampyxTease. Bwahahaha! Also, bless you my dear Kuraun Kuraun, for the editing but also the near mental breakdown of trying to upload this thing. Evil, evil Stash Writer...

Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, though really, it would be amusing if I did.

* * *

It turned out the Science Department had a monkey; a mean, _mean _monkey. Named Lawrence.

Allen had wandered into Lawrence's nest quite on accident, searching for his beloved Timcampy. After one screeching monkey attack, numerous scratches to his face and arms, the threat of a rabies shot, and a now very angry, scratched up Link held captive by the Matron, he was still Golem-less. With a sigh, the boy dropped into an open cafeteria seat, the heaping tray he held clattering to the table in defeat.

"No luck?" inquired Lavi through a mouthful of chicken.

"None," replied the cursed boy. "I just can't seem to find him, and now that Link is on lock-down in the infirmary I can't continue looking by myself," he lamented, stuffing a forkful of pity-spaghetti in his mouth.

Lenalee patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry, you'll find him soon," she soothed. "He's probably off exploring and will come back on his own."

"But it's been _days_! And I've looked EVERYWHERE." He started rifling through his pockets. "Instead of Tim, I've found about 7 of Kanda's hair-ties," he slammed them on the table as proof, "the pair of glasses Johnny lost last month, dozens of mismatched socks, a garden I never knew we had, _14_rocket launchers confiscated by Reever, earrings ("Lenalee, are they yours?" "Thanks, I'd been looking for them!"), a _monkey _living in a nest of old paperwork Komui had shoved in a closet, and so much more!"

Lavi eyed the pile of things Allen had thrown on the table. "Is that an eye?" he poked at a jar.

"I don't even wanna know..." Allen buried his face in his hands. He stared at the red-head from between his fingers, a haunted look in his eyes. "The things I've seen..."

Lavi blanched. He too knew the horrors the Order held; curse his undying curiosity and need to know why there was a hidden door in Komui's office. He'd been unable to look the beret-wearing man in the eye for weeks after viewing the Lenalee Shrine.

The reliving of horrific memories was cut short however as Timothy ran up, waving his arms and shouting, "I found the bird, I found the bird!" He stopped at their table slightly out of breath, the other Exorcists eying him quizzically. "Allen, didn't you hear, I found your bird."

"Tim?" Allen perked up. "Where?"

"Timothy, Timcampy isn't a bird, he's a Golem," Lavi corrected.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's a bird," he replied, matter-of-fact.

"No, Golem."

"Well it looks like a bird, acts like a bird, and I just found its nest with eggs in it, _so I'm pretty sure it's a bird,_" Timothy huffed, crossing his arms.

"For the last time, he's a- wait, eggs?"

"Eggs?" Allen looked at Lavi for clarification. "Can Golem lay eggs?"

"Dunno, I could go ask the old man." Allen looked to Lenalee, who shrugged apologetically

"Well, you better hurry, I think the eggs were beginning to hatch," Timothy told them, stealing a strawberry from Allen's tray and running off. "They're in the North Tower."

Allen and company shared a look and bolted from the table. Allen wished to find his fluttery friend, Lavi wanted to discover Golem eggs, and Lenalee figured that the two of them would need to be rescued before the day was over.

~O_O~

"Timcampy?" Allen called lightly as the group made their way into the North Tower. The use of said tower was to store mostly random things that had accumulated over the years, from broken dressers and chests to really odd things such as the bust of King William wearing a party hat perched atop a model Spanish galleon the size of a small child.

"Allen, he isn't like a dog that'll come running," Lavi commented dryly.

A fluttering of wings caused the group to look up as Timcampy descended onto Allen's head. The shorter boy gave a smirk. "You were saying?" He gently patted the Golem, who flapped in greeting.

"I want that Golem...least he listens, unlike the other ones," the red-head grumbled to no one in particular.

"So, where's this nest?" asked Lenalee, bringing the group back to the task at hand.

Lavi looked at Timcampy. "Well, he came from up there..." he followed the Golem's trajectory to see a chest of drawers on the floor above painted with daises. The team clambered up the stairs and peered into the dresser. And, true to what Timothy said, there were indeed eggs; tiny like a robin's, they sat in a nest made out of an old shirt and a shoe. What was interesting however...

"Is that...a butterfly?" Lavi asked, breaking the awkward silence. Timcampy fluttered down and sat next to said butterfly, breaking out into a large toothy grin.

"I think so, but doesn't it look...odd? And the eggs are purple..." replied Lenalee. It was only when the butterfly broke into an equally toothy grin that realization hit them. Allen blanched.

"Holy crap, it's one of those Tease things!" Lavi cried out, pulling the younger Exorcists out of the way. They stumbled backwards, almost falling back down the stairs.

Allen snatched up a tennis racket while Lavi grabbed a broom, and they advanced on the nest. "Can those two even breed?" Lavi wondered, sneaking a look into the nest. The Tease sat innocently by Timcampy while the two continued to grin. "Timcampy sure knows how to pick 'em," he commented wryly.

"Lavi, this is not something to joke about," hissed Allen. "Those things are evil!" He glared at the purple monster-butterfly. "I say we squish it..."

"No!" Lenalee snatched Allen's racket. "You can't."

He looked at her incredulously. "It's an evil man-eating butterfly! Why not?"

"He has a valid point," Lavi commented, still staring at the nest.

"Because of Timcampy! You can't just squish his love, let alone in front of him," she huffed, crossing her arms.

"Oh..." Allen thought for a moment. "But we can't just leave it. What if it eats someone?"

"Then it's one less brat to deal with, isn't it boy?" came a lazy drawl behind them. They whipped around to be met with an angry Tyki Mikk. "So, you stole my Tease?"

~O_O~

After a brief battle that resulted in neither side winning, the Exorcists and Noah stood panting in the center of the now even messier North Tower. Timcampy and the Tease had moved their nest during the battle and now sat on the third floor, watching their respective masters' argument.

"Your horrible little Golem stole my Tease and I want her back!" Tyki shouted.

"Well, then take your demonic butterfly back! I don't want it!" Allen countered angrily, face to face with the Noah.

"Um, guys?" Lenalee called down to the pair and Lavi, who stood off to the side contemplating how to attack a man who phased through things. "The eggs are hatching..."

"What?" The men-folk raced up the steps to the nest, Allen and Tyki trying to stay far away from the other while still crowding around to see the miracle of life.

The eggs had cracks running throughout the lavender shells, and before their eyes emerged the spawn of their pets. Some had the round body of a Golem with the wings of the Tease, while others had narrow bodies but took after their father in the wing department. One odd little critter had come out bright, shiny blue, while it's brothers and sisters varied in shades of purple and gold.

"So...does this make you two in-laws?" asked Lavi, breaking into a wide grin at the horrified looks he received. The rest of the afternoon was spent discussing custody of the hatchlings, and was left to Lenalee to decide after a fist fight erupted over who'd get them on weekends.


End file.
